Bert & Bertha King & Queen of Kent: A Love Story Maybe Maybe Not

Young Ethelbert King of Kent goes to Paris to collect a substantial debt. Old Charibert King of the Franks greets him stalls him a hundred times then promises his daughters weight in gold. On second thought he gives her away instead. Bertha is large but shes beauteous bounteous bumptious. Ethelbert is small but hes a fierce warrior who bows to no one. But she nearly kills him by opening a door just as he was about to knock on it. She tends to his splattered nose and his wounded pride. He likes her jolly jokes but she grows sad thinking that Bert like all the other young men shes met will run away from a big fat blob like herself. She wont be sad ever again promises Bert not while hes alive. Having met their match then they decide to make a match even though her parents and the bishop dont think its a good match. Ethelbert you see is a pagan and Bertha a Christian. A beautiful marriage and a wild wedding reception take place complete with pop-up cake dwarf-tossing competitive dancing and truly horrid foods that only a young reader can like. By the way its A.D. 562 for anyone who wants to know.