Have A Dark Day

<p><em><strong>The very first collection of Dear Cthulhu columns as everyone's favorite monsters dishes advice and tried to help humanity in spite of itself proving that Cthulhu's advice can brighten even a dark day!</strong></em></p><p> </p><p>Dear Cthulhu</p><p>    My boyfriend “Jim” and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. Things have been going great. Jim tells me he loves me and I know I care for him a lot. Our making out has always been hot and heavy. Jim’s a great kisser but lately Jim’s been wanting to go beyond necking and petting. I’m just not sure I’m ready to give him my virginity. Jim says if I really love him I’ll make love to him. My mother always told me if a guy truly loved me he’ll wait until I’m ready and not pressure me. My friends all think he’s really hot and I should do him. I’m the only one of my girlfriends still a virgin although I have one gay guy friend who still is. What should I do?</p><p>-Confused Virgin in Vermont</p><p> </p><p>Dear Confused</p><p>    Virginity is a sacred beautiful thing and any man who would pressure you to destroy such a rare treasure is a cad you would be better off without. As for your so-called girlfriends they sound like a bunch of twits. Remember it is better to be a leader of men than a follower. The only one you should ever follow is of course Great Cthulhu. Speaking of which some followers... rather friends of mine are throwing a ritual sacrifice... um I mean party shortly when the heavens align. How would you like to be the guest of honor? We would love to have you. Email me at virgins@dearcthulhu.com. And bring a dish to pass.</p><p> </p><p>Dear Cthulhu</p><p>    I’ve slept with my Teddy every night since I was a little boy even though my parents say I’m too old. I’m in kindergarten now. The other morning when I woke up Teddy was gone. I looked everywhere but he disappeared. I think the monster in my closet ate Teddy but Daddy says I’m wrong. Can you help me?</p><p>-Five in Freeport</p><p> </p><p>Dear Five</p><p>Yes Cthulhu can help you. Your father is correct. The monster in your closet did not eat Teddy. It was the creature under your bed. And he is hungry again.</p>