How To Burn This Book

<p>Step one of burning a book is finding a disagreeable premise within its interior to justify the act. In order to simplify this process for the reader each short story in this collection is followed by a precise reason the short story should be immolated opined by the author's many critics.</p><p>Lucky Girl Noir is about a hard-boiled cop solving the murder of a 'Lucky Girl' one of many powered women born with probability consistently in their favor. Burning this story would be a much-needed win in the war against plagiarism.</p><p>Three Days West is an acid-Western about a pair of turophile cowboys exploiting their otherworldly connection in frontier Colorado. This story deserves burning for stealing the modesty of American pulp heroes.</p><p>Zantar is Tarzan but with aliens and raccoons. Burning seems appropriate as it acts as a continuation of the author's insatiable hunger for theriocide.</p><p>Sea Creatures is a sapphic love story between a siren and a mermaid. The story deserves to be burned for suggesting bras are a form of art.</p><p>Lizard People Take Orlando tells the story of Zaffre Davis a young grad student running for mayor of Orlando while keeping his double life as a scalie a secret. Burning should be considered due to its depictions of the furry fandom as solely affiliating with Democrats.</p><p>The Spirit Realm is about the survivor of a mass party poisoning who wakes up to find he can talk to and interrogate bottles of alcohol. Not a single character is represented by a bottle of absinthe; a crime best punished by burning.</p><p>The Pimp Who Slapped the Ripper is about the fall of Jack the Ripper at the hands of a violent young procurer who will protect her property at all costs. The author's new softness has robbed the story of certain graphic historical details; their omission begets burning.</p><p>Washed is the story of a man who loses all his memories when he takes a shower. Burn this one to effectively eliminate the author's ugly stinky past.</p><p>An American Weekend is about a boy's considerably awful week and his preceding visitation by the embodiments of Friday Saturday and Sunday; who guide him out of his funk. Turn it to ashes; this interpretation of the weekend reeks of upper-class privilege.</p><p>Roadwork is about the daily struggles of a lemurtologist an exorcist working for the DMV whose job is to remove ghosts from the road after a horrific accident. Tossing this story into the fire could fracture the ego of a hate-filled author obsessed with smudging the good name of the DMV.</p>