ManApePig

<p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)>My cheapskate girlfriend got us a discount couple's massage and we had to go to this one man and woman's house who looked like the two bad guys from Home Alone.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> The short little husband guy did my massage. He had like 58 times more oil than was necessary on his hands and they were all grotesquely soft. So when he did your massage it just felt like someone was squishing a bunch of mashed potatoes all over you.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> And then he kept cracking his knuckles the whole time... as if it was adding something sensual to the experience. But it just felt like a bunch of carrots breaking.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> It was revolting.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> But I didn't wanna disappoint my girlfriend. So I just kept lying there face down in that slop.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> Oh and of course they were playing some like weird silence of the lambs music.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> So I was just lying there listening to that... trying not to inhale their incense... which of course smelled like a bunch of amputated civil war feet. ... being incinerated.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> Oh and they made us sign a waiver too. ... that said we understood it wasn't a sexual experience. So my girlfriend just drew a little frowny face next to that part.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> :(</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> Awwwwww...</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> Shucks. We were hoping Harry and Marv would be down for some role play. I could play that one old guy who smashes'm in the face with a snow shovel.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> Come 'ere you naughty bandits...</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> Oh sht I'm supposed to be telling you about this book. Uhhhh... okay. Arlight. So. This is the official Hitchhiker's Guide to Humanity and it's all about where humanity really came from. Here's a clue. Every single animal is psychologically tailored to be in love with its original environment. There's a reason why people fall so madly in love with places like Hawaii when they go there.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> Once we understand where we actually came from we can finally resolve the mystery of the human condition. We can become smarter faster stronger healthier more youthful more vibrant longer living emotionally blissful psychologically harmonized romantically successful and we can even structure our societies in a way that makes us FOUR times wealthier. What?!?! Yep. But you'll never know the secrets unless you read about it. ... So you better!</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> ... or else.</span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)> Or else I'll tell Harry and Marv where to find you.</span></p>