Minx

Hi! Im Miranda Blake and this is my story. Well sort of. Its more like a twisted fairytale if you believe in them. Except theres no beautiful young princess with perky breasts perfectly coiffed hair and a sassy attitude. Im closing in on fifty thirty pounds overweight according to Weight Watchers and after nursing two kids and that bitch gravity doing her job Im lucky the ladies dont hit my knees. The gorgeous brown mane of hair is slightly frizzy from my ridiculous attempts to recapture my youth by dyeing the hell out of it. As for sassy attitude well it wasnt so long ago that I was a doormat. And the charming prince who sweeps me off my feet into the life of my dreams? I have a dog called Prince German Shepherd who knocks me on my ass if Im in the way when the doorbell rings. Does that count?In fairytales the princess was usually helped by giving compassionate companions of the animal variety for some reason. You would never see me anywhere near raccoons squirrels or-shudders-birds. Id seen the movies. I knew the death tolls. Actually no I wasnt like them because I had friends not minions to do my bidding. The kind that believed if life gave you lemons...well youve heard the saying. Although one of them would make a lovely lemon pound cake served with the appropriate tea and a dollop of exquisite whipped cream. While another would grab the tequila and salt and make margaritas. Yet another would slice the lemons right open squirt her enemies in the eye as she growled and screamed Die motherfucker! And finally my peace-loving friend would make cannabis lemon bars and pass them around with a smile while a hint of patchouli clung to her caftan. Id simply add them to my water to counter any vitamin C deficiency and continue with my day.Now fairytales folklore and the occasional urban legend notwithstanding my life was pretty ordinary but wasnt that how these stories start out?Once upon a time...