Not Catching Love

<p><strong style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>Xander</strong></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>There's something seriously wrong with me.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>For once I'm not talking about the health anxiety that randomly pops up and wreaks havoc on my life. I'm talking about well everything else.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>All my roommates have found someone to love them and it hurts to see the guys who used to have me at the center of their worlds pair off and grow up especially when it's a reminder of how alone I've always been. I've always had an issue with relationships. With forming a connection with people outside of Seven but this is more.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>Because I </span><em style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>want</em><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)> to find my someone.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>Except the one person my brain has latched onto is the one person I can never have. The one person who's there to help me when my panic attacks get too much.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>Nurse Derek.</span></p><p></p><p><strong style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>Derek</strong></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>I should never have offered to treat Xander Moore.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>And now here I am years later my life on hold while I wait day in and day out for the call that Xander needs me. It always comes and I always answer but I'm starting to dread those visits.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>Lately I'm looking at Xander in a way a medical professional should never look at their patient.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>When Xander starts volunteering at the same nursing home that I do I get to see a new side of him. The artistic charismatic side that draws the residents in. I get glimpses of a man who's so much more than his anxiety and it does nothing to help my feelings for him.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>Lines begin to blur and I have no choice but to stop treating him. That at least allows us to be friends. The only problem is being friends isn't enough for either of us.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>It's wrong unethical and unprofessional but my heart won't listen. It's decided on Xander and it doesn't want to wait. Neither does Xander.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>But if I want to keep my job I have to resist.</span></p><p><span style=background-color: rgba(255 255 255 1); color: rgba(15 17 17 1)>I just wish he didn't make that so difficult.</span></p><p></p><p></p>