The Friendship Solution

One day as we were reading an email to our advice column Direct Answers Tamara looked up and said simply She doesnt know what a friend is.That line-she doesnt know what a friend is-has come back to us again and again as we read letters about a problem with a friend. Although we didnt realize it at the time that is how The Friendship Solution began.We wrote this book for two reasons.First when many people use the word friend they are actually describing a frenemy a person they dislike a rival or an antagonist or a person who manipulates them. They are not talking about a true friend someone they know and like someone they can trust to have their back.Understanding this distinction is one of the keys to having a good life. But understanding this distinction is not enough. We must act on it.That is the second purpose of this book. We want to explain why we need to sort people out based on where they should fit in our life.Some dictionaries define a friend as someone we know well and like exclusive of sexual or family ties. In this regard dictionaries are behind the times. More and more psychologists are seeing our friends family and romantic relationships not as fundamentally different but as tributaries of the same river.That is why when we speak of friends in this book we include traditional friends as well as relatives and romantic partners.The Friendship Solution is about the place of friendship in all our relationships. It is about why we have friends what a good friend is learning to say no and letting go of bad friends.Through letters and research we will paint a portrait of friendship as it is and as it should be.Finally this book is a long answer to a short letter a letter we got on the day Tamara looked up from an email and said She doesnt know what a friend is.