Vertical Lines II

<p>Book II is every bit as delightful as the original Vertical Lines - page after page of smiles laughs and sometimes outright guffaws. Both books are the perfect companions when you need a pick-me-up or just have a few minutes and want something light. And they never get old! Open to any page and see for yourself. Guaranteed to please!</p><p> </p><p>Samples:</p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)>I asked my husband if I was the only one he had ever slept with. He said yes all the others were nines or tens. </span></p><p>I went swimming today. I took a pee in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his f**king whistle so loud I almost fell in.</p><p> Good men are found in every corner of the Earth. Unfortunately the Earth is round.</p><p>He: I started seeing someone.   She: As in dating or hallucinations?</p><p>I had my patience tested. I'm negative.</p><p>I run like the winded.</p><p>I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children' and I thought 'That sounds like a fair trade.'</p><p>Irony - the opposite of wrinkly.</p><p>Before was was was was was was is.</p><p>Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway. Stupidity is exactly the same thing and that's why life is hard.</p><p> Retired: I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.</p><p> Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly.</p><p>Every morning is the dawn of a new error.</p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)>My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.</span></p><p>I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.</p><p>I threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I'm probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.</p><p>I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.</p><p>I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.</p><p>I went on a date with a blonde last night. Do you have any kids? she asked. Yes I replied. I have one child that's just under two. She said I might be blonde but I know how many one is.</p><p>I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.</p><p>I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I think I'll start calling them traditions.</p><p>I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life. It's an oughtobiography.</p><p>The ideal man doesn't smoke doesn't drink doesn't do drugs doesn't swear doesn't get angry doesn't exist.</p><p>The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.</p><p>The word 'umbrella' was going to be just 'brella' but the inventor of the word hesitated.  </p><p>There are two parts of my brain - left and right. In the left side there's nothing right. And in the right side there's nothing left. </p><p>Three of my favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.</p><p> A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.</p><p>When I was young I felt like a male trapped in a female's body. Then I was born.</p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)>Women should not have children after 35 - 35 children are enough! </span></p><p><span style=color: rgba(0 0 0 1)>You come from dust. You will return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I know.</span></p><p>You have to stay in shape. </p><p><br></p>